The New Golden Plates

Anonymous asked: Not only do I like your blog (haha I found it) but I also am OBSESSED with you secretly. Ok here we go.. I got this idea from a Tumblr spam I got once lol.. I think you like me too and you were always too shy to admit it :3 go to crushmatches(dõt)com (wtf it wont let me link regular) and make an account there. Then look up the profile 'gottagetme19' (me obviously) I left body pictures.. if you can guess who I am hit me up and we'll hang soon. You need a C C but its free

I don’t think you know how this works. You should be giving me your credit card number to prove your devotion to me and/or God.

You sound like you’re about fourteen, lacking in education, and completely obsessed with a man who could be your great great great grandfather. Now, while those are things I like in women, I’m a bit put off by your willingness to show me your “body pictures” before we’ve even been wed. While I’m impressed you found my blog, your self-confidence is off-putting. I don’t think you’d be as well-behaved as dear Fanny Alger, so I think I’ll pass. Try Brigham. He’ll go for just about anyone.

I’ve developed a fun game for everyone, by God’s infinite wisdom.

I’ll post the pictures of some Presidents of the Church (not mine though: The hotness would overwhelm the game), and you can match their names!

Here we go!

A:

B:

C:

D:

E:

ANSWERS BELOW:

A: Brigham Young

B: Karl Marx

C: Chuck D

D: Woodrow Wilson

E: Humbert Humbert

This post is part of an ongoing project. God has once again revealed the Golden Plates that contain the Book of Mormon to me, and commanded that I translate them into the language of today’s youth, LOLspeak (with bits of Leet), so as to ensure a shining future for the Saints.

One111!11 Neefi: Cahpter 2

2:1 So den teh ceiling cat talked to mai dadd, but he was asleeped so he thot it was a dreem. He sed “Bwessed art u, Lehi, bc u did teh gud stuff. Also, u pissed pipl off so much dey want u dedded, which is AWSUM!”

2:2 So den teh ceiling cat told my dadd while he was asleeped dat that he shd go camping wif hiz familee! Yay!

2:3 So den he did.

2:4 So den he went camping forevah! And he left teh houze, teh land, teh monies, and other stuff. he didn’t take anyfing wif him… O except us, his family. O also sum cheezburgers. And tents.

2:5 So den he wented neer teh Redd Sea. And den even closer to teh Redd Sea. Also, I donno wai I keep saying “he” bc “we” were wif him too! We is: me + mai momm Sariah + big brovvers Laman, Lemuel, and Samwise Gamgee. Dey important later on, I pwommise.

2:6 So den after he hikeded thr3e dais, he put up hiz tent in a valley by teh sied of a river ov water. Donno why I sed “river of water” bc dats waz in rivers, silly!

2:7 So den he made a pile of rocks and dedded a poor Mudkipz, cuz ceiling cat lieked dedd Mudkipz. My dadd sed “Tanks for making me live in a tent! I wuvs u!”

2:8 So den he named teh river Laman. Teh river went into teh Redd Sea, even tho teh whole point of teh Redd Sea is dat der no rivers going in. So teh valley wuz in teh mowth of teh river. But u figured dat out already bc u r not dumm.

2:9 When mai dadd saw teh river went into teh Redd Sea, he sed to Laman: “O dat u mightest b liek dis river, alwways running into teh fountain of all righteousness!” LOLOLOLOL! Always running into teh fountain! Dats lot of stubbed toes! Teeheehee

2:10 He also spakeded to Lemuel: “O dat u mightest b liek dis valley, firm & immovable in keeping teh commandments of teh ceiling cat!” LOLOLOLOL! Firm!

2:11 So den Laman and Lemuel thot my dadd was teh nutts bc he did weird stuff and made dem go permanent camping. Dey sed he was cwazy.

2:12 So Laman & Lemuel, being teh eldest, gossiped abt dadd. And dey did it bc dey didnt kno teh dealings of teh mystyrious ceiling cat.

2:13 Dey didnt tink Jeroosalem cd b set up teh bomb liek teh profits sed. Dey were like teh Jews who wanted my dadd dedded. Of course we wuz all Jews den, so I donno wai I sed dat. Seems anachronistic <—big werd!

2:14 So den mai dadd talkeded to dem wif scury voice. Den dey got scured. Den he confuzded dem, so dey not gossip anymoar! After day, dey did whatever he sed.

2:15 O also, mai dadd livved in a tent.

2:16 So den I, Neefi, was pretty young but still big. And I wanted to kno abt ceiling cat. So I cried and teh ceiling cat stopped by 2 visit. Yay! Den I beliveded mai dad and did not rebel liek my bros.

2:17 So den I talkeded to Samwise Gamgee abt teh ceiling cat’s visit. So den he believed me. Yay!

2:18 But den Laman and Lemuel didn’t belive me. Dat made me sad. :( So I cried to teh ceiling cat again.

2:19 So den teh ceiling cat sed “Blessed r u, Neefi, bc of ur fayth. Even tho is not rilly ‘fayth’ since i talkeded to u in person, but wutevr.

2:20 So if u keeps teh commandmints, u’ll prosper, den u’ll get 2 land o’ pwomise. I maded it jus 4 u! Yay! Is better dan anywhr else. Is called ‘America.’ Oops, dats a spoiler!

2:21 Den if ur brovvers r meanines, dey get cut off from mah presence.

2:22 If u r nice and keeps mah commandmints, u’ll be teh kind of teh americas! Yay!

2:23 Wen dey rebel against me, I’ll curse dem wif a sore curse (LOL!), and dey’ll have no power over ur kidz unless dey are meanies too!

2:24 And if ur kidz r meanines, dey’ll be a scurrrrge 2 ur seed, 2 stir dem up in teh ways of remembrance.” Oh noes! Dats wut I call foreshadowing!

Good afternoon, dearest brothers and sisters. I have an important revelation. By popular demand, the Lord has answered your prayers and miraculously enabled comments, so we all might participate in a beautiful exercise of showing him love. Afterwards, any sexy ladies (and hey, maybe even a few gentlemen) out there can show me love as well. And by “show love,” I mean consummate our marriage.

Stay tuned for my new translation of 1 Nephi, chapter 2 shortly.

This post is part of an ongoing project. God has once again revealed the Golden Plates that contain the Book of Mormon to me, and commanded that I translate them into the language of today’s youth, LOLspeak (with bits of Leet), so as to ensure a shining future for the Saints.

One111!11 Neefi: Cahpter 1

1:1 O Hai! I is Neefi. Mah parints lieked teh ceiling cat, expeshally mah dadd. I saw teh Afflecks, but teh ceiling cat lieked me anyways. I haz lots of knows of teh mysterious ceiling cat, so i writed dem down for you. Yay!!!

1:2 Also, i writed it in Egyptian-talk, because my dadd speakeded it.

1:3 I tells u dis is teh troof. I writed it wif my handses and my knowses.

1:4 Once upon a time, dis guy Zedekiah sez “i’m teh king of teh werld! O wait, I means Judah.” At teh same time, teh profits sez pipl is bad, so dey needs say sowwy or Jeroosalem would get set up teh bomb! Oh noes! Also, my dadd, Leeeeeeeeeehi, lived in Jeroosalem.

1:5 So my dadd, Leeeeeeeeeehi, talkeded to ceiling cat wif all his heart.

1:6 He talkeded to ceiling cat, so celing cat goes “pew pew” and shoots lazerz at a rock. My dadd was all “OMGWTF!”

1:7 He went home and went “zzzzzzzzzz” but kept going tinking about teh pew pew pews.

1:8 So, teh ceiling cat sez “come on teh magical mystery tour.” So my dadd, saw teh ceiling and thot he lookeded at teh ceiling cat curled up on a widdle bwanket. Awwww. Der were also lots of widdle baby ceiling cats. Cuuuuute! A bazillion of dem, all singing songs about teh nice main ceiling cat.

1:9 One of teh baby ceiling cats came down from teh ceiling (maybe to watch you maturbate LOLOLOLOLOLOL) and he was as brite as teh main lite in teh ceiling.

1:10 He also lookeded at twewve moar behind him and dey were moar brite than teh other lites in teh ceiling dat u see wen teh main lite is off.

1:11 So dey came down frm teh ceiling and teh first gave a book to my dadd, Leeeeeeeeeehi. He sed it was gud, and my dadd should reed it.

1:12 So my dadd readed teh whole thing right there and so ceiling cat was in his body OMG!

1:13 Dis is wut he thot of teh book: “Jeroosalem, for I have seen thine abominashuns!” My dadd readed lots of ting abt Jeroosalem, liek it should be blowed up, and Jeroosalemians be cut up or turneded into slaves! Oh noes!

1:14 So my dadd sed to ceiling cat “Dis teh best book I evar read! U are teh awesomesauce!”

1:15 Blah blah blah, my dadd kept on saying teh nice fings abt ceiling cat for a while longer, but is boring so I skip it.

1:16 Okay, dat was teh short version of teh sotry. Nao I tells you teh long version. And also tells you teh stuff my dadd saw after.

1:17 Des aren’t acshully my dadd’s werds, bc a mean lady will steals a translashun of those in teh fewture! So I tell same sotry in my werds instead. Some of it is teh zzzzz, so I fill in wif parts of my lief too! ^_^

1:18 Okay, so my dadd readed teh scary book and saw teh movie version (wasn’t as gud), so he talkeded to Jeroosalemians about it, and sez wut they shd do.

1:19 The Jews were all “LOLWUT? ROFLCOPTER!” bc dey is de ebil and haz teh abominashuns, even tho he sad teh Mezzia is comin.

1:20 So teh Jews thot he had teh dumm and wanted him dedded. But I, Neefi, will show dat teh ceiling cat is nice and gives his friendses teh superpowers (pew pew pew!)

I have some exciting new plans for this space. In the mean time, please feel free to ask me any questions you may have in the sidebar widget thing. It’s not often you get to directly question a fucking prophet, now, is it?

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