This post is part of an ongoing project. God has once again revealed the Golden Plates that contain the Book of Mormon to me, and commanded that I translate them into the language of today’s youth, LOLspeak (with bits of Leet), so as to ensure a shining future for the Saints.
One111!11 Neefi: Cahpter 2
2:1 So den teh ceiling cat talked to mai dadd, but he was asleeped so he thot it was a dreem. He sed “Bwessed art u, Lehi, bc u did teh gud stuff. Also, u pissed pipl off so much dey want u dedded, which is AWSUM!”
2:2 So den teh ceiling cat told my dadd while he was asleeped dat that he shd go camping wif hiz familee! Yay!
2:3 So den he did.
2:4 So den he went camping forevah! And he left teh houze, teh land, teh monies, and other stuff. he didn’t take anyfing wif him… O except us, his family. O also sum cheezburgers. And tents.
2:5 So den he wented neer teh Redd Sea. And den even closer to teh Redd Sea. Also, I donno wai I keep saying “he” bc “we” were wif him too! We is: me + mai momm Sariah + big brovvers Laman, Lemuel, and Samwise Gamgee. Dey important later on, I pwommise.
2:6 So den after he hikeded thr3e dais, he put up hiz tent in a valley by teh sied of a river ov water. Donno why I sed “river of water” bc dats waz in rivers, silly!
2:7 So den he made a pile of rocks and dedded a poor Mudkipz, cuz ceiling cat lieked dedd Mudkipz. My dadd sed “Tanks for making me live in a tent! I wuvs u!”
2:8 So den he named teh river Laman. Teh river went into teh Redd Sea, even tho teh whole point of teh Redd Sea is dat der no rivers going in. So teh valley wuz in teh mowth of teh river. But u figured dat out already bc u r not dumm.
2:9 When mai dadd saw teh river went into teh Redd Sea, he sed to Laman: “O dat u mightest b liek dis river, alwways running into teh fountain of all righteousness!” LOLOLOLOL! Always running into teh fountain! Dats lot of stubbed toes! Teeheehee
2:10 He also spakeded to Lemuel: “O dat u mightest b liek dis valley, firm & immovable in keeping teh commandments of teh ceiling cat!” LOLOLOLOL! Firm!
2:11 So den Laman and Lemuel thot my dadd was teh nutts bc he did weird stuff and made dem go permanent camping. Dey sed he was cwazy.
2:12 So Laman & Lemuel, being teh eldest, gossiped abt dadd. And dey did it bc dey didnt kno teh dealings of teh mystyrious ceiling cat.
2:13 Dey didnt tink Jeroosalem cd b set up teh bomb liek teh profits sed. Dey were like teh Jews who wanted my dadd dedded. Of course we wuz all Jews den, so I donno wai I sed dat. Seems anachronistic <—big werd!
2:14 So den mai dadd talkeded to dem wif scury voice. Den dey got scured. Den he confuzded dem, so dey not gossip anymoar! After day, dey did whatever he sed.
2:15 O also, mai dadd livved in a tent.
2:16 So den I, Neefi, was pretty young but still big. And I wanted to kno abt ceiling cat. So I cried and teh ceiling cat stopped by 2 visit. Yay! Den I beliveded mai dad and did not rebel liek my bros.
2:17 So den I talkeded to Samwise Gamgee abt teh ceiling cat’s visit. So den he believed me. Yay!
2:18 But den Laman and Lemuel didn’t belive me. Dat made me sad. :( So I cried to teh ceiling cat again.
2:19 So den teh ceiling cat sed “Blessed r u, Neefi, bc of ur fayth. Even tho is not rilly ‘fayth’ since i talkeded to u in person, but wutevr.
2:20 So if u keeps teh commandmints, u’ll prosper, den u’ll get 2 land o’ pwomise. I maded it jus 4 u! Yay! Is better dan anywhr else. Is called ‘America.’ Oops, dats a spoiler!
2:21 Den if ur brovvers r meanines, dey get cut off from mah presence.
2:22 If u r nice and keeps mah commandmints, u’ll be teh kind of teh americas! Yay!
2:23 Wen dey rebel against me, I’ll curse dem wif a sore curse (LOL!), and dey’ll have no power over ur kidz unless dey are meanies too!
2:24 And if ur kidz r meanines, dey’ll be a scurrrrge 2 ur seed, 2 stir dem up in teh ways of remembrance.” Oh noes! Dats wut I call foreshadowing!